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TopDog
Retired BjQ Mod
| Joined: 07 Sep 2020 |
| Posts: 2864 |
| Location: United Kingdom |
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 Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2020 2:18 pm |
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Post your jokes here! Some classic/crap one liners to get us started:
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message .. If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high.
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!; The doctor replied, I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: I'll give you some cream to put on it.
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's the Tom Jones syndrome." ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual".
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"; "Well" says the vet, let's have a look at him; So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy."
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start!"
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it?s Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat git!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, I've hurt my arm in several places; The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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"You can't take something off the Internet. It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool."
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veyr0n
1 Gold Star
| Joined: 10 Apr 2020 |
| Posts: 1298 |
| Location: Saint-Pierre and Miquelon |
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| Posted: Sat Feb 19, 2020 10:07 am |
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
Tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
 cant stop laughing!
_______________________________________________________
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
So they go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
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_________________
PRSillustrated.com|Veyr0n's blog|Veyr0n's Audioscrobbler Profile
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veyr0n
1 Gold Star
| Joined: 10 Apr 2020 |
| Posts: 1298 |
| Location: Saint-Pierre and Miquelon |
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| Posted: Sat Feb 19, 2020 10:13 am |
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and the last one for tonight:
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought two hundred. I like monkeys.
I took my two hundred monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was mentally challenged. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kind of like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were two hundred dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had two hundred thrown rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety nine dead dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every thirty seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
!!!
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_________________
PRSillustrated.com|Veyr0n's blog|Veyr0n's Audioscrobbler Profile
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iafg
Gambling Addict
| Joined: 14 Oct 2020 |
| Posts: 888 |
| Location: United Kingdom |
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| Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2020 1:04 pm |
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Quite an old one but for those who haven't seen it:
Computing for men
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Ladsnightout 3.2, Football 4.5 and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had so many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Freesexplus and Cleanhouse 2005. shortly after this upgrade however, I found Wife1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in the memory of Wife 1.0 and could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later when I'd forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic diary, explorer and e-mail filter, and can without warning launch Turbostrop and Whinge. These latter products have no help files and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoeshopbrowser for new attachments and Hairstyleexpress which needs to be reinstalled every sixth week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Porsche 911 or Mercedes estate hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up, Mother-in-law 9.5 which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all monies before uninstalling itself.
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"So age old question, who's better John or Paul? ... well, Paul obviously.. but for the sake of an argument, who?"
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